The first month of Meiji 26 flew by. When I think back, I lament as a matter of course. It is clear that I am utterly incapable of being happy. Be that as it may, I must lament as a matter of course. The reason I lament is that nothing turns out as I hope. Nonetheless when I think about all this past month has taught me, I do feel consoled.
I will remember that the third day of February was for me a major riddle. I left my lodge early that morning. I had a mind to change my place of residence, so I was searching around in Kojimachi for a suitable place. I was looking for a place as low-end as possible, the reason being, it seems to me, that my parents back home have cut back on their sake and other expenses to fund me, so in selecting a place being unable to content myself with mean food, is what I feel to be a weakness towards mean things I have by nature. I also think that I am not a man who will in the end be met with cordiality by others. Furthermore I believe that, if one desires to apply oneself energetically to ones work, one must not worry about poverty, and be resolved not to avoid disasters. That is the first thing I have learned. The second, then, is that I should have known that the most important thing in our daily preparation and cultivation is steeling our resolve. Also, I think, I should have tried to economize (even a little bit), so that I could have some leeway and carry out my Church duties, and purchase the books I need. That is number three. I searched but could not find a house. Then I changed my mind and decided to postpone the move. Part of it was that I was thinking it would be more profitable to do so after I found out whether I had succeeded in joining the Freedom Society, and part of it was I thought I should wait until I had finished the editing for the sixteenth volume of "Youth Literature", in keeping with my duties to that magazine. After turning onto another street I met Imai and tried to converse with him for a few minutes. We stopped by Cho Kichiji's house. And the riddle came. Cho told me what Kanamori Tsurin, the president of the Freedom Society, was thinking. His thoughts were concerning the question of how he can do the utmost for his society.
He said that the failure of the Freedom Society to develop its newspaper would result in the society becoming an extremely useless thing, so he wanted to do everything he can to expand it greatly. And he said that, because of this, he was temporarily forbidding the acceptance of new members, and those who were already members would have to dedicate everything to the newspaper and be prepared to give their all for the Freedom Society. Thus, Cho asked me if I would be willing to join under these conditions, and pressed me for a decisive answer. At any rate I had decided. Some how, I had to join.
I asked myself, first, are you resolved to work for the newspaper? I had gone through many pains, and thought over everything.
"Work", "work". Now I was now searching for the meaning of this word. But in the end, my very first faith was my very last answer. (My first faith means my everyday faith) "The value of a human being is not dependent on his work. No matter a fisherman on the north sea, or a woodcutter in the mountains, God's eye is the most fair towards all." That is the very first component of my thought. And my education, my circumstances, my skills, (part of) my ambitions. do not offer any contradictions to joining the newspaper. At this stage, I had decided. "I believe it is fitting for me to become a journalist for the newspaper."
I have already received this answer. Everything else was easy from the beginning. The second question--whether or not I was determined to give my all for the Freedom Society--was not, like cutting green bamboo with an iron hatchet, keenly or clearly settled for me. I said, "As long as the Freedom Society does not forget its Heaven-appointed mission, as long as it does not destroy the spirit for which it stands, I will put my heart and soul into the work, and shed blood, sweat and tears for the sake of the Society's flourishing." How changeable and strange are the feelings of human beings. To be resolved thus, to be convicted thus, my thoughts suddenly surged to a vista a step above the peak of enlightenment. As it seemed to me as I lifted my eyebrows and grew some courage, the Heaven-appointed mission of the Freedom Society was to bring about a great reform of our government, and the spirit of of the Freedom Society was freedom and equality. It was already thus, this was the Freedom Society. If the Freedom Society were to neglect this mission, or if its spirit were lost, it would be due to the corruption or degeneration of its members only, and I would rather replace those members. And I would blame them. That would allow the the spirit of the Freedom Society to live as its flesh is torn. Also, pretending it's not a venture that would show the world what you are capable of...Ah, things change so rapidly, imagination follows imagination, and daydreams give rise to more daydreams. There is a voice to the spirit, it says "rest". Melancholy struck, and my delusions were shattered. In an instant a daring resolve crushes my spirit like a grave burden. But even if your spirit is crushed, you cannot take back your decision. Only melancholy colors itself with misery and leads me into a room of vague anxiety. Late at night, when it was almost 3, I laid out my paper beneath the lonely lamplight and wrote:
"Would I fulfill Heaven's mandate by pining away in sadness, by indulging in delight, by firmly acting, working without tiring or rushing through it all? I am a man of the spirit. I am a man of righteousness. And I am a man of achievement. I cannot predict what will happen tomorrow. I must live. By all means, I must live for an eternity."
Early that next morning, I needed to meet with Cho Kichiji and tell him of my decision. Around the time the cock's call announces the approaching dawn, I embraced my lonely pillow and entered a cold dream. Ah, the riddle has been solved, as I expected. Without even knowing that, look ahead at the next year, the next ten years, the next hundred. Ah, must it be solved with regrets? Must it be resolved with blood and with tears? Or with peace of mind? God may know, but I know not. But I do believe. God solves those who solve themselves. God saves those who save themselves.
Saturday, Feb. 4. At night I went to a prayer meeting. On this night, I went because I wanted a place where I too could pray. Uemura Masahisa had a few thoughts he wanted to discuss. They were mainly concerning the encouragement meetings. Recently the Church had been gathering momentum, and it looked like there were a few things he was especially fervent about. In private I too had resolved to dedicate myself to the Church, and on the night of January 30th, I met with Uemura and Tada Shiroshi. I related my thoughts on various topics, and asked them their opinions. My sole hope, with respect to the Church, was to make brotherliness thrive among its members. To that purpose I wove out a plan for the Church and ran it by them, and they were both in agreement. Now it was just a matter of implementation. After Uemura had said his part, Tada continued, saying that if we had any ideas for Church activities, now would be a good time to discuss them, so speak up. Two or three men spoken and one prayed. But I was unable to utter a single word, nor did I end up praying, either. I was engrossed in deep self-reflection. If I didn't change this peculiar aspect of my nature, I felt in the end I would be unable to accomplish any of my undertakings. I believed that from today forward I had to make improvements in this area.
Once I produce a plan, I then have to have enough courage, confidence, preparedness, sincerity and enthusiasm to implement it.
If I cannot, then it doesn't matter how fervent I am, in the end I will be unable to make others feel the same. The prospect of ending my life as someone with no achievements and no responsibilities, who made big plans but failed to implement them, was terrifying.
Sunday, Feb. 5. In the afternoon, I listened in on a committee. As I was busy thinking of what I wanted to say to the committee, the opportunity came and went without my having said anything. It wasn't that there wasn't an opportunity. It's that I wasn't decisive, I lacked courage. I was unable to seize the opportunity.
I made certain the Church movement was making some progress, and decided the best thing to do would be to take thing graudally, in order to make more minute preparations and gain that indispensable confidence I so needed. As soon as I have succeeded, I'll record it, and look forward to the days that follow.
Feb. 6, 7, 8, 9. Four twenty-four hour periods have elapsed. Were they an important four days for me? That I don't know. That can only be judged by what happens in the days to follow. But at any rate, I cannot let even one hour of my short lifespan go to waste. By the time I have reached fifty years of age, I want to have accomplished something in accordance with my ideals while resident in the vast universe, in this defiled society. Thus I cannot, under any circumstances, allow even a single hour to be spent in vain. When I think about it, there must have been some meaning to these four days.
How did the young man named Kunikida Tetsuo, who lives below Heaven, above Earth, in a country called Japan, spend the 6th, 7th, 8th and 9th days of February Meiji 26? Was his life a dream? What has his life meant in these fours days? How has he related himself to the universe? How has he related himself to society? How has he related himself to history?
On the morning of the 6th, he called on Kinamori Tsurin. He wanted to have a frank conversation with him in connection with joining the Freedom Society. Kanamori was not in. He [Doppo] learned that Kanamori was spending the night somewhere.
The above sums up the events of the 6th, 7th 8th and 9th. On the night of the 9th I went to sleep, and now it is midnight on the 10th.
I do not necessarily remember the details. In the following paragraphs I will just leave it to the whim of my brush as I write down the gist of what happened in these five days, along with the essence of my thoughts and the flames of my passions.
I have decided that tomorrow I will finally move house. The work for "Youth Literature" is halfway done, and now I just need to know whether or not I have succeeded in joining the Freedom Society. That being the case, if I hurry things along a bit, I will get a place where I can read and reflect in silence.